What would you call as friend? Would your friend call you as “rubbish”, “useless”, “pig” ? I doubt about that, lately.
In Mahayana teaching about Bodhisattva, A person who wish to practice Bodhisattva’s way should perfect this six path: Giving, Taking precepts, Endurance, Hardworking, Mindfulness, Wisdom. According to the canon, all other religion practice the first five, except the last one, Wisdom which many unable to perfect in Mahayana Buddhism context.
I would like to explain in simple, from my understanding, in order to perfect “giving”, one should learn to give and not expect something in return, which practice something in sincere. Giving which even includes providing emotional support, help, counsel and not only restrict in material or financial. Taking percepts means we have to obey the rules and order that we suppose to follow. Endurance is to endure every hardship and evil that was being thrown to us; hardworking is to strive on with dilligence in things you do; mindfulness is to remain concentration and awareness—constantly aware regarding your words, action, speech and mentality. Wisdom, in Mahayana Buddhism context means intelligence which can brought you out of this word of suffering.
I would like to confess: I’m not perfect in any of the six of the above, although I can tell you roughly the idea is.
I remember when I was a kid, I used to fight with my classmates for a small quarrel. Until one day, I learn my lesson the hard way (as I always do) by broke my hand when I was fighting with my classmate. Till then, I understand the importance for me to endure: It is not what people had done to us, but is what we are going to respond on what people that had done to us that’s matter, as said by Lawrence Walter. I learn and still learning to endure the pain, suffereing, ill-treated, unfairness..etc just to name a few. Almost all the time, I thought I had succeed in doing so but untill lately, I understand that I had practice the wrong way.
I learn about anatta (no-self) in both Pali Canon and Mahayana Buddhism. I was taught by learning to endure, I’m on the right path to practice about “no-self” / selfless. Yes, I admid that I’m kind of selfish and I want to control on that. I understand that if I do not care on what people had done or said about me, I’m free from suffering. However, I was wrong.
I can choose to not care about what people had done to defame or ruin me, as I’m hardly hurt by that. For me, is just a matter of whether I want to take it hard or just to let it go. I’m naive to have such thinking. This is because there are still one X-factor that I was not aware about all this while: Someone that I truly love.
I can “not to care” about how people might said or think of me. I thought is the matter of my personal problem but however I was wrong. When people said or do bad onto me, people who care and loves for me feel the hurt, althought I merely just feel the pain. I wasn’t aware of that until today. I was thinking I had on the right way of “selfless”, but however when I consider the fact that I had forgotten those I had love, I’m still selfish: because I neglect how they feel when they saw me being bullied or defamed.
I ask myself: why should I let people who cares about me feel the hurt when those defamation was onto me? I promise myself: whoever cares about me, I will make sure they will never get hurt. However, today, I think I had failed to kept my such promise and I’m definately eligible to be classified as a failure: I failed to make sure they are free from hurt.
I start asking myself: Am I still practice the correct way? Why problems appear when I try to perfect my paramis? Would lending ears be a sin? I thought it was in the scriptures where we giving a helping hand it should be a merit? Why on earth when I try to listen and help other’s problem but I was drag into the hell of flames? I wonder.
Now I just recalled my master used to tell me which I had forgotten a long while: Everythings you do must be guided by panna (wisdom). Perhaps this is the mistakes that still keep me suffer. Maybe I’m still not intelligent enough to understand this concept, or is just my karma.
——————————————————————————————————————————————-
I wonder why FWY want to chose to call me rubbish that “she do not want it”. Although she was trying to make funny jokes, however it was not funny when my lover was deeply hurt when she heard about it. I was deeply emotionally depressed. I was wondering why people who claim that a long time friend would call me as such, but my lover will and never use any rough words about me. So what is a 6 years friendship compare with 1 year relationship where “rubbish” is what I had been nurtured. Can you blame me for letting go a 6 years so called friendship? You can’t blame me.
I treasure my lover, and I promise not to let her hurt. I willing to fetch her from work when is late night and I willing to care her always and will only left when she lock her last door. I give her all my unconditioned love, and all my effort to ensure she is safe and feel my love always. However, I forgotten to realise that by letting myself hurt, I had hurt her. She may even feel the hurt much more than I had hurt myself.
I do not want to see her hurt. I have to stay strong enough so that I can protect her. Sorry FWY, I had to let go of you. Although I wouldn’t say that I had blacklisted you in my friend’s list, but I’m positive I wouldn’t call you anymore, or return your call. 6 years of even (if there is any) high quality friendship is nothing compare with a single day’s wife. Wife is someone that I will live with and companion forever, although you might claim a friend is still always a friend, no matter what. Sorry, in this case, I chose someone who never hurt me before, and will be with me forever, Is not that I was forced to or have to chose , but I make this decision solely from my own will.
If you are really my friend, would you call me a rubbish?
If you are really my friend, would you hurt someone I love the most?
If you are really my friend, will you understand what I feel?
If you are really my friend, can you feel my feelings in my shoes?
Let me explain the survival of microorganism. Different bacteria produces different antibiotics to kill others types of bacteria for it to survive, but remain resistant to antibiotic produced by itself. It is a survival mechanism, or else they will be vanished in no where. You might claim that you own all the best things in life; but it might be a poison for me. You might feel I’m toxic for you, but I might be treasure to others. Please, do not ever try to pull down others so that you are much higher better. You can’t win by doing so, is just a coward’s way of handling, and in the end no one is ever benefited.
Again, the reason I let go FWY, a 6 years friend is because I do not want my wife to be hurt. You will be doing the same if you are in my shoes. If you are my friend, you will not hurt my lover, moreover you are also a girl who is more sensitive to a girl’s feeling. That’s the bottom line.
Sign off 0253: 7-12-2008
